covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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