I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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