I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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