I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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