Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
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Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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