toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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