I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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