No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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