the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
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Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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