I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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