Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
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In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize