you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize