two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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