thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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