Me. At least after what I've been through.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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