She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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