I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize