Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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