I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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