You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
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i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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