im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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