It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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