you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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