remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He felt like a one man threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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