The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize