My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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