my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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