You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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