he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I AM VODKA MAN
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He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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