I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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