my phone needs a breathalizer
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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