Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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