My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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