Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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