I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
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I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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