Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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