I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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