Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you never un-have a 4some
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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