Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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