In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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