Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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