I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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