Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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