oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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