He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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