Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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