I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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