Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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