i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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