we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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